Lists
More Power!
05/04/06 07:25 Filed in: Personal | Pool Heater
The heat pump is here and hooked up to the pool, but there is no power to run the unit. We called the electrician and have not received a response yet. Hope he can get here soon. I would really like to get warm water.
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Moving Fast Now!
31/08/06 20:08 Filed in: Personal
The plumbing and lighting is nearly complete. The motor for the Jacuzzi is getting wired in tomorrow. It is really looking great now.
We should be in the bathroom by Saturday. Check it out: Almost Done!
We should be in the bathroom by Saturday. Check it out: Almost Done!
Sixth Sign
20/10/06 22:27 Filed in: Body Nazi | Wife Story
Wow, that is a religious experience, but,
The woman I married would never consider wasting any food. It is just not possible for her to only eat half of an absolute delicacy! I have discovered comfort foods from around the valley and I get " That's great, but the calories! I can only eat half!"
I believe I could give her $3 in coins and stand her before a vending machine and she would stare for a moment before saying, "There is nothing GOOD in here!"
I brought a salad (with dressing and bacon on it) to her. She ate some of it and pushed it away! "Mmm, that was good, but... the Calories!" It is a salad! It isn't food! It is what food eats!
”Oh, the calories!" "I can only eat half!"
The woman I married would never consider wasting any food. It is just not possible for her to only eat half of an absolute delicacy! I have discovered comfort foods from around the valley and I get " That's great, but the calories! I can only eat half!"
I believe I could give her $3 in coins and stand her before a vending machine and she would stare for a moment before saying, "There is nothing GOOD in here!"
I brought a salad (with dressing and bacon on it) to her. She ate some of it and pushed it away! "Mmm, that was good, but... the Calories!" It is a salad! It isn't food! It is what food eats!
She's Having A Baby
10/11/06 20:23 Filed in: Personal
Brian Called He met Jennifer at the hospital at 4:10 PM.
Water broke, this is really happening.
Water broke, this is really happening.
Living At Home Is Such A Drag
21/07/06 19:40 Filed in: Personal
We are in full swing on the Master bath project. There are holes in the wall and ceilings. The electrician needed to run a circuit for the Jacuzzi tub motor. As with every utility in this house the connection (electric box) is on the opposite side of the house from the appliance! They fished and snaked and finally got the power to the bath room.
Everything is covered with plastic to avoid getting dusty.
Everything is covered with plastic to avoid getting dusty.
Taking Shape
03/08/06 18:36 Filed in: Personal
The master bath project is passing the destruction phase and entering the taking shape phase. The demolition is done. The new circuit for the tub motor is in. The plumbing is nearly complete. Some drywall has gone up and repairs to the rest of the house (to damage done running the circuit) is getting fixed.
I am particularly happy with the new openess of the space. It is a narrow room and much of the space was wasted in dead zones. The new layout has a wider look and utilizes open space for passage while cramming feature into the bath.
The body jets in the shower are set. The tub fill is cut into the ceiling. We are getting the skeleton done.
Yes, I said tub fill and ceiling. Take a look.
I am particularly happy with the new openess of the space. It is a narrow room and much of the space was wasted in dead zones. The new layout has a wider look and utilizes open space for passage while cramming feature into the bath.
The body jets in the shower are set. The tub fill is cut into the ceiling. We are getting the skeleton done.
Yes, I said tub fill and ceiling. Take a look.
Wedding Album, Hip and Now
21/11/06 20:03 Filed in: Family Quality Time
I am a slow learner. I do not usually like songs until years after their release. I have to admit I like this one. It is catchy pop and doesn't pretend to be more. I think the theme is great for a wedding album. I don't understand why it "doesn't do anything" for Pete.
Here it is, the Danger Mouse collaboration... Gnarls Barkley with Crazy.
Here it is, the Danger Mouse collaboration... Gnarls Barkley with Crazy.
Body Nazi: Sign 7
10/11/06 19:38 Filed in: Body Nazi | Wife Story
So, apparently working out is not enough. There is all the "extra cardio" that is required to lose weight. Working out causes mostly weight gain as the muscle mass increases. There is plenty of walking and running involved in extra cardio. Yes, it is a little disturbing to the sedentary folks like me. It is not shake in aisle as the spirit moves you, disturbing, but it is the same vector.
So, extra cardio is weird. More amazing is the warmup. I always heard about warming up before a work out. I can understand stretching to avoid pulling a muscle and doing damage. Apparently warming up also get you in a cardio range. So there is a treadmill and several minutes of "walking" on the habittrail. I am reaching the limits of understanding why you work out before you work out. Then she said, "yesterday, during my warm up walk. I burst into a run for the last 3 minutes. It felt great! I think I am going to do it again."
No, the trainer did not "encourage her."
No, a thief brandishing a weapons did not enter the studio and threaten them.
She just did it because it might feel good.
I am beyond my ability to comprehend.
So, extra cardio is weird. More amazing is the warmup. I always heard about warming up before a work out. I can understand stretching to avoid pulling a muscle and doing damage. Apparently warming up also get you in a cardio range. So there is a treadmill and several minutes of "walking" on the habittrail. I am reaching the limits of understanding why you work out before you work out. Then she said, "yesterday, during my warm up walk. I burst into a run for the last 3 minutes. It felt great! I think I am going to do it again."
No, the trainer did not "encourage her."
No, a thief brandishing a weapons did not enter the studio and threaten them.
She just did it because it might feel good.
I am beyond my ability to comprehend.
Wedding Album, Track 2
05/11/06 11:45 Filed in: Family Quality Time
Mike has long followed the output of a boy named E. It seemed improbable that at least one eels track would not make it on the album. E is all over the charts in style and tone, but always manages to speak some truth in the oddest possible way.
For much more information, free tracks and a directory for another slice of the music world check out the main EELS page.
Anyway on to the track: Hey Man (Now You're Really Living)
For much more information, free tracks and a directory for another slice of the music world check out the main EELS page.
Anyway on to the track: Hey Man (Now You're Really Living)
She's Having A Baby - UPDATE
16/11/06 20:09 Filed in: Personal
Brian finally got to take a breath and started calling everyone with the much anticipated details.
Jennifer (Momma) is fine. After 37.5 weeks, probably relieved. She was released on Sunday.
Brian is the happiest parent I have heard in a long time.
Marcus Aaron James Braden Basic facts: 7 lbs. 14 ozs. 21" Born 11/10/2006 17:37
Jennifer (Momma) is fine. After 37.5 weeks, probably relieved. She was released on Sunday.
Brian is the happiest parent I have heard in a long time.
Master Bath Project Begins
17/02/06 09:04 Filed in: Personal
We contacted Expo and made an appointment with their designer to update the master bath.
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Fourth Sign
06/09/06 07:07 Filed in: Body Nazi | Wife Story
Sign #4
My health food is too fattening.
My trainer recommends < insert brand here > , it has less sugar and fat than the healthy, crunchy nearly indigestible stuff I have asked you to join me in eating. It is very similar, but not as sweet.
If I am chewing and grinding up cereal that resembles the stuff I formerly considered to be the shell, not the nut then DO NOT take away the sweet reward!
Fifth Sign
06/09/06 18:38 Filed in: Body Nazi | Wife Story
Sign #5
There is nothing a little exercise can't cure!
She really did utter that phrase. I am now living with a crazy woman! She was apparently feeling a little blue a few evenings ago and decided WE needed to go for a walk.
WE walked for half an hour. About 8 minutes in she announces, "Wow, I am feeling better." "I had a really rotten day and was just not happy." "Now I am up and moving and it feels great!"
"You know, there is nothing a little exercise can't cure!"
Without thinking a muttered something like, "Cancer!" "I bet exercise doesn't do a damn thing to cure cancer!" Then I thought, "Paralysis, hell I bet you can't even exercise, how could it cure it?"
Wow, I am a pessimist.
Electrician Is Here
08/04/06 09:44 Filed in: Personal | Pool Heater
Kevin the electrician is here working on powering the heat pump. He is nearly done so we should have warm water today.
It appears the neighbors are getting some work done on the pool. There are guys with jackhammers and a dust cloud from the pulverized concrete. It is very noisy. Hey! They just backed a truck up in their driveway. I guess to haul away the concrete chunks?
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It appears the neighbors are getting some work done on the pool. There are guys with jackhammers and a dust cloud from the pulverized concrete. It is very noisy. Hey! They just backed a truck up in their driveway. I guess to haul away the concrete chunks?
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Heat Pump
04/04/06 07:56 Filed in: Personal | Pool Heater
The installers from Leslie's should be here any moment to install the heat pump so we can use the pool again. The pool season is long here, but from October to April the pool is just chilly. The water is still under 60 Fahrenheit. It was 42 in January. Last July it was 80.
Growing up in Pennsylvania these numbers seem high, but the air temp differential is much higher. I have not considered why it feels so cold, but I am sure there is a good solid explanation.
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Growing up in Pennsylvania these numbers seem high, but the air temp differential is much higher. I have not considered why it feels so cold, but I am sure there is a good solid explanation.
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The Wedding Album
21/10/06 11:56 Filed in: Family Quality Time
My sister got married again. She married Mike. Mike has great taste in music and passion for collecting songs and band information. He doesn't have music bLog like Pete, but he could not resist the publication opportunity provided by a wedding with lots of guests. He compiled some songs relating to the event, love and the modern definitions of it. He then burned a disc for each guest.
Mike also has an odd sense of humor so most of the songs has a double meaning. Either to him or someone in the families. I ripped them all in to iTunes and started the search for humor and meaning in each track.
Mike gets along famously with my niece Caily. There were even jokes in the toast about being the same mental age. So the first featured track from "The Dugan Wedding Album” is a short little tune form the Bouncing Souls called, "I Like Your Mom"
Website: Bouncing Souls
Mike also has an odd sense of humor so most of the songs has a double meaning. Either to him or someone in the families. I ripped them all in to iTunes and started the search for humor and meaning in each track.
Mike gets along famously with my niece Caily. There were even jokes in the toast about being the same mental age. So the first featured track from "The Dugan Wedding Album” is a short little tune form the Bouncing Souls called, "I Like Your Mom"
Website: Bouncing Souls
10 Signs You Are A Body Nazi
27/06/06 07:01 Filed in: Body Nazi | Wife Story
My wife is losing weight. She is very serious about this process and is making the commitments of time, money and energy to accomplish her goals.
We have always been on the slothful end of the spectrum. Well, I have always been on the slothful end, anyway. I am therefore keenly aware of the small changes in her attitude and outlook that accompany changes in diet and exercise. I am unsure if it is inherent in the process or just an attitude you acquire by working out with other fitness freaks, diet dealers and iron pumpers.
First thing is having a personal trainer. I would not even know where to find one. I am very sure I don't know where they work.
I am a life long geek. I used to get beat up at recess by guys who become personal trainers. My only defense mechanism is to consider them to be less intelligent than me. Therefore following the advice of someone I consider less intelligent just doesn't make sense. I (the sloth) would never utter the words, "My personal trainer said..."
We have always been on the slothful end of the spectrum. Well, I have always been on the slothful end, anyway. I am therefore keenly aware of the small changes in her attitude and outlook that accompany changes in diet and exercise. I am unsure if it is inherent in the process or just an attitude you acquire by working out with other fitness freaks, diet dealers and iron pumpers.
Sign #1
”My personal trainer said..."
First thing is having a personal trainer. I would not even know where to find one. I am very sure I don't know where they work.
I am a life long geek. I used to get beat up at recess by guys who become personal trainers. My only defense mechanism is to consider them to be less intelligent than me. Therefore following the advice of someone I consider less intelligent just doesn't make sense. I (the sloth) would never utter the words, "My personal trainer said..."
Third Sign, Technology Hook
16/07/06 10:01 Filed in: Body Nazi | Wife Story
My wife informs me,
Which I kind of understand. Aerobic workouts are entirely defined by maintaining your heart rate in a target zone for a period of time. This is stuff we have know since Jane Fonda sold VHS tapes.
I am expecting a wristwatch that takes your pulse. Maximum logic might include 2 beeps if your heart rate is too high, 1 for too low, not working hard enough. I seriously underestimated.
This is the most insidious sign so far. Cue the "Imperial March" for this one.
It comes with a sensor. A wireless data transmitting device. Say it with me, Sensor.
See, now I have the attention of all my technolusting, Gizmodo and Engadget reading IT brethren. Sensor? How does that work? Well, it gets strapped to your chest so it can sense heart beats and transmit an RF signal. It runs off a watch battery both to transmit and apparently to sense the heart. The Velcro® connector must be wetted for proper function, so they must be sending some current across the length of the strap.
The signal is picked up by the wrist watch receiver. Apparently, taking the pulse at the wrist doesn't work very well. Maybe there is something more to this, though. The signal is also picked up by the treadmill at the studio. So the sensor feeds a vast array of fitness related equipment.
The receivers can be programmed to emit the aforementioned beeps I suspected according to your personal workout profile. Using software on your PC (yes, PC only, us Mac guys get screwed again) you enter your height, weight, sex and desired fitness level. Then you get emails from 1000's of horny guys from around the globe. Oh, wait that is another kind of website.
The target heart rate and length of your workout get calculated and sent to the watch (or treadmill or whatever). Yes, calculated. It knows about warming up and cooling off periods. This little watch thingy packs more power than my old Zaurus. You can also send little block pixel "backgrounds" to your watch in case you miss your old Tamagotchi.
The data is not send with a cable. It does not employ Blue Tooth® or utilize any 802.x communication. No, not IR. It uses a Sonic Modem. A what?
Here is a low tech, low speed, completely hackersmack way to transmit data. The watch has a microphone and a piezo electric speaker. The PC must have a speaker and a microphone. You guessed it, they screech at each other just like good old analog dial up. When computers were fun. When you were sure that if you listened well and trained your ears you could understand the computer's audible language.
After your work out the data recorded by the watch (treadmill) can be uploaded to the Polar website. Why I would ever want to post my poor performance to everyone on the planet I am not sure.
So the insidious part comes via invitation. Her personal trainer invited me to come in and see the equipment. I can check out all the sensors transmitting, fitness equipment recording, internet uploading and get a free Personal Fitness Report.
A what? Well, they have a machine that will measure my lean mass as a percentage of my overall mass combined with a short run on the treadmill with the sensor we can determine the exact amount of pure flab. Wow. I was still doing the "pinch test!" Boy, am I out of the loop. Of course with all this applied technology they can upload to the internet and all of you can know just how fat I have become. Given the new fame of my fatness I will probably be motivated to work it off at the studio. "Feel the power of the Dark Side!"
”the heart rate monitor is an essential tool in maintaining an aerobic workout.”
Which I kind of understand. Aerobic workouts are entirely defined by maintaining your heart rate in a target zone for a period of time. This is stuff we have know since Jane Fonda sold VHS tapes.
I am expecting a wristwatch that takes your pulse. Maximum logic might include 2 beeps if your heart rate is too high, 1 for too low, not working hard enough. I seriously underestimated.
This is the most insidious sign so far. Cue the "Imperial March" for this one.
The Sensor
It comes with a sensor. A wireless data transmitting device. Say it with me, Sensor.
See, now I have the attention of all my technolusting, Gizmodo and Engadget reading IT brethren. Sensor? How does that work? Well, it gets strapped to your chest so it can sense heart beats and transmit an RF signal. It runs off a watch battery both to transmit and apparently to sense the heart. The Velcro® connector must be wetted for proper function, so they must be sending some current across the length of the strap.
The signal is picked up by the wrist watch receiver. Apparently, taking the pulse at the wrist doesn't work very well. Maybe there is something more to this, though. The signal is also picked up by the treadmill at the studio. So the sensor feeds a vast array of fitness related equipment.
The Receiver
The receivers can be programmed to emit the aforementioned beeps I suspected according to your personal workout profile. Using software on your PC (yes, PC only, us Mac guys get screwed again) you enter your height, weight, sex and desired fitness level. Then you get emails from 1000's of horny guys from around the globe. Oh, wait that is another kind of website.
The target heart rate and length of your workout get calculated and sent to the watch (or treadmill or whatever). Yes, calculated. It knows about warming up and cooling off periods. This little watch thingy packs more power than my old Zaurus. You can also send little block pixel "backgrounds" to your watch in case you miss your old Tamagotchi.
The data is not send with a cable. It does not employ Blue Tooth® or utilize any 802.x communication. No, not IR. It uses a Sonic Modem. A what?
The Sonic Modem
Here is a low tech, low speed, completely hackersmack way to transmit data. The watch has a microphone and a piezo electric speaker. The PC must have a speaker and a microphone. You guessed it, they screech at each other just like good old analog dial up. When computers were fun. When you were sure that if you listened well and trained your ears you could understand the computer's audible language.
After your work out the data recorded by the watch (treadmill) can be uploaded to the Polar website. Why I would ever want to post my poor performance to everyone on the planet I am not sure.
The Invitation
So the insidious part comes via invitation. Her personal trainer invited me to come in and see the equipment. I can check out all the sensors transmitting, fitness equipment recording, internet uploading and get a free Personal Fitness Report.
A what? Well, they have a machine that will measure my lean mass as a percentage of my overall mass combined with a short run on the treadmill with the sensor we can determine the exact amount of pure flab. Wow. I was still doing the "pinch test!" Boy, am I out of the loop. Of course with all this applied technology they can upload to the internet and all of you can know just how fat I have become. Given the new fame of my fatness I will probably be motivated to work it off at the studio. "Feel the power of the Dark Side!"
Wedding Album, Wedding Singer Track
07/11/06 18:25 Filed in: Family Quality Time
One back story on this track is William Broad wrote it in protest of his little sister getting married to a man which Billy did not like. I hope that is not why this track made it to the album. It's been said before, but I like Mike.
My sister did not have the best start on life, but pulled herself through way more shit than I will ever be able to pull through. Mike is like an antidote for that. He can make light of any situation without missing the real gravity of it. It is a great thing for a woman who forgets to laugh and is anticipating the worst.
I really don't know what she is freaking out about. She has it down. Husband, family, house and new Honda CR-V. What else does she want? She has "made it." Did you scan that, Vic? Take a chill! Enjoy a little.
Hopefully this track is on the disc for its popular ties to the Wedding Singer movie. Maybe it is another reason, Mike? Care to clarify?
Track: White Wedding
My sister did not have the best start on life, but pulled herself through way more shit than I will ever be able to pull through. Mike is like an antidote for that. He can make light of any situation without missing the real gravity of it. It is a great thing for a woman who forgets to laugh and is anticipating the worst.
I really don't know what she is freaking out about. She has it down. Husband, family, house and new Honda CR-V. What else does she want? She has "made it." Did you scan that, Vic? Take a chill! Enjoy a little.
Hopefully this track is on the disc for its popular ties to the Wedding Singer movie. Maybe it is another reason, Mike? Care to clarify?
Track: White Wedding
Powered!
08/04/06 10:28 Filed in: Personal | Pool Heater
Kevin is done and the heat pump is raising the pool temperature.
Well, it excited me!
Well, it excited me!
Second Sign
12/07/06 20:07 Filed in: Body Nazi | Wife Story
When you buy protein shakes.
You couldn't pay me to drink these things. They make a mess out of all the glasses and shakers and anything else she can find to mix in while scrambling out the door to make her work out appointment.
And forget the jokes about "I got yer protein shake right here!" That just gets you slugged. AND with all the working out, getting slugged hurts now.
You couldn't pay me to drink these things. They make a mess out of all the glasses and shakers and anything else she can find to mix in while scrambling out the door to make her work out appointment.
And forget the jokes about "I got yer protein shake right here!" That just gets you slugged. AND with all the working out, getting slugged hurts now.
Wedding Album, Lovey Dovey Songs
08/11/06 19:26 Filed in: Family Quality Time
No wedding soundtrack would be complete without some adoring, saccharine songs. This proves a few things. Vicky is getting lucky this time. In every way Mike just interpreted that line! Last time around was not such a good move. There was way too much pressure to do as God intended and live with it. Not enough thought was spent on how to make the best of things. I expect this time she will be happier.
Mike gets it. He hides it well, but he does know what is happening. The next few postings of his more humorous choices will not overshadow the fact that he is in love.
Cue the sap:
You and Me (Wedding Version)
100 Years
UPDATE: I was so taken away while blathering on about my hopes for the new couple I forgot to mention the Track vitals! Track 4 "You and Me" is a song by Lifehouse. This track and "Hanging By A Moment" should be playing on your radio about now. "100 Years" is a great track by "Five for Fighting" who also called "Superman" that you also heard on the radio or the Smallville sound track. Hopefully all this information is in the MP3 metadata for your reference.
Mike gets it. He hides it well, but he does know what is happening. The next few postings of his more humorous choices will not overshadow the fact that he is in love.
Cue the sap:
You and Me (Wedding Version)
100 Years
UPDATE: I was so taken away while blathering on about my hopes for the new couple I forgot to mention the Track vitals! Track 4 "You and Me" is a song by Lifehouse. This track and "Hanging By A Moment" should be playing on your radio about now. "100 Years" is a great track by "Five for Fighting" who also called "Superman" that you also heard on the radio or the Smallville sound track. Hopefully all this information is in the MP3 metadata for your reference.
Man Rules: Mind Reading
Miller has "Man Laws," Chuck provides "Guy's Rules," I interpret, embellish and publish them as "Man Rules."
This is the first Rule so let's talk about the format. All Man Rules are number 1. They are all important. It is good to be number 1. So they are.
The Rules are intended for women. Men already know these rules, this is a repository of simple explanations you can give to women that are not aware of the rules.
1. Men are not Mind readers. Ask for what you want. To clarify: • Subtle hints do not work! • Strong hints do not work! • Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
This is the first Rule so let's talk about the format. All Man Rules are number 1. They are all important. It is good to be number 1. So they are.
The Rules are intended for women. Men already know these rules, this is a repository of simple explanations you can give to women that are not aware of the rules.
Chuck
Chuck got stuck managing an implementation of QumasDoc (now DocCompliance) at Purdue. Despite this introduction we got along just fine. Chuck likes cars. Old cars, new cars anything he can tweak a little more horsepower from, pretty much makes him happy.
Chuck is also the source of some of the best "list humor" I keep. He find lists that last. They are fun, but they don't wear out after the first reading. The latest gem is a list of definitions. Simple definitions of the function of tools. You know, stuff guys should know.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Or snap off shower necks. I broke one off and needed to get the tile removed, replace the "receiver" and retile. Ooops!
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog shit off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
Chuck is also the source of some of the best "list humor" I keep. He find lists that last. They are fun, but they don't wear out after the first reading. The latest gem is a list of definitions. Simple definitions of the function of tools. You know, stuff guys should know.
Tool Terms
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Or snap off shower necks. I broke one off and needed to get the tile removed, replace the "receiver" and retile. Ooops!
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog shit off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
Tiling Is Done
29/08/06 20:04 Filed in: Personal
The master bath project has hit a great milestone. The tile work is done. We should be in the bathroom by Saturday. Check it out: Tile!
Man Rules: Color Spectrum
1. Men see in 16 colors. Pumpkin is a fruit, not a color!
Peach is a fruit, not a color!
Periwinkle is plant with blue flowers, not a color!
We have no idea what mauve is.
Chartreuse sound like a French curse word.
Man Rules:Crying
1. Crying is Blackmail.
Use it as you would black mail. Do not over use it. Realize you are using it, even when you don't think you are using it.
"Tears of Joy" is an oxymoron. Crying is an appropriate response to pain. Serious Pain, like when someone close to you dies, a limb is severed or you got shot. Pain.
Anything else is a plot to make those around you feel guilty to get what you want.
According to the Wikipedia:
In many cultures, crying is associated with babies and children. Some cultures consider crying to be undignified and infantile, casting aspersion on those who cry publicly. In most cultures, it is more socially acceptable for women to cry in public than men.An insincere display of grief or dishonest remorse is called crocodile tears, from the ancient anecdote that crocodiles would pretend to weep while luring or devouring their prey.
Try as you might tears will never be really understood as anything else. You might get tolerance, possibly sympathy. Anything beyond that, the black mail worked. Claim your prize and stop crying.
Corollary:
It has been said (by women) that crying is equally socially unacceptable as cursing, slamming doors or throwing things in anger (see Dammit Tool). The social grievance might be equal, but the verbal and physical violence to inanimate things is an admission of guilt. It does not demand things of others. Crying creates guilt in others or thrust it upon them. Therefore is black mail, not simply a release of emotion.
Man Rules: Toilet Seat
1. You are a big girl, learn to work the toilet seat!
Women's Rights
We need it up sometimes, you need it down. Why do I get the "honor" of lifting it AND dropping it? You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. It is not a woman's right to have the toilet seat up. Do you need a statistical analysis with a computer simulation model based on the labor consumed trying to meet your demands to explain it? Our man Anand Venkataraman can provide that for you.
Second Plea
Stop me if you heard this one. "If you ever sat on the toilet without the seat down and fell in, you would never leave it up again."
Ladies, think! I do sit down on the toilet.
It happens.
Have even done this after too much beer? Yes.
Have I done this in the middle of the night without turning the light on? Yes.
Guess what happened?
I know of what you speak. Strangely after a very few encounters, I LEARNED TO LOOK! Do you all reach the bathroom door, turn around and find the porcelain convenience ASS first? Check it! it is not that hard to look at it. Lift the lid if it needs lifting. Drop the seat if it needs dropping.
Men: for a great gag that will only cost about a week of sleeping on the couch, put the seat down. Then place a strip of toilet paper across it like the old "Sanitized for Your Protection" banner you saw in those really classy motels you stayed in as a kid! It is worth every scream, tear, slap or whatever she doles out just to catch that look of surprise and confusion on her face.
Photo courtesy sparky05's Flickr posting from the Ramada Inn.
The Lid
Then we get to the unsightly argument. The girl logic goes something like: a toilet is ugly and looks slightly better with the seat down. I agree. The toilet is not the most attractive appliance in the house. Maybe that is why we keep them in tiny rooms in hidden corners of the house? If you really want to improve the look of the toilet, put the lid down.
This is the point where the argument becomes transparent as a Women's Rights issue. For aesthetic reasons the lid should also be put down. It prevents dogs from drinking and toddlers from playing. The seat and lid should be down.
Women never argue for this. Women have confessed to sitting without looking and pissed on the lid and themselves. It is not about aesthetics. It is not about fair labor. It is about women demanding a right to a more convenient toilet.
Finished
19/09/06 21:02 Filed in: Personal
Finally Finished the Master Bath and moved back in the downstairs bedroom.
Tile and Finish
31/08/06 21:00 Filed in: Personal
The walls were up, electricity run, plumbing places and now the tile work was dragging on and on.
Photo Album: Tile
Build
14/08/06 20:58 Filed in: Personal
The Master Bath Project was in full build mode. Living at home was such a drag. Spending our lives upstairs without being back in the East was weird.
Photo Album: Build Up
Demolition
13/07/06 20:45 Filed in: Personal
The Melchers cleared out and demolition began in earnest! We are on our way to a new spa style bath.
Master Bath
12/07/06 13:05 Filed in: Personal
Since we seem to be settling in to Sharon Drive it was time to update one important room. It was still the builder stock bathroom and had the "cultured marble" to prove it. We gutted the master bath and completely changed it to be more like the spa and Sandals bathrooms we love.
Photo Album: Inexpensive Horror
Photo Album: Inexpensive Horror